Tag Archives: acceptance

The label “autism” ? Yes, please.

In my son’s school, ‘anti-bullying policies are broadly advertised and in his class; Nemo sits close to a wall full of coloured-in versions of the “do the HIGH FIVE” hand.

hifive

Now after their first ‘bullying awareness’ lessons at in prep, I have spent a lot of time explaining to Nemo that not every grimace, every funny voice, every joke made by the boys is meant to tease him. Nemo often pushed children away that were trying to make friends, in a silly kid kind of way.

But this has now changed. In the last 2 weeks, some boys in his class have taken to “test and trigger” his sensitivities – on purpose. The result is that my son, usually inclined to yell and flee from stress has now repeatedly tried to smack them to stop it, including to the head – and he was suspended for a day this week (no one was hurt, they were still laughing).

Now there are a couple of reasons why the dynamics in his class has changed (teacher changes, new students, a long term)  and I understand it is beyond the control of the school. I accept the disciplinary action, sort of.. (I have not grown up in Australia – suspension for a 7 yo?! ) Until recently, I was quite happy with the support by teachers and special ed’ dept. We had great results.  Nemo was less anxious about school, confident and stable in class.

But the school’s response to this acute problem, let’s call it “budding bullying”, is flawed by the fact that they have a policy that does not allow them to “single out the children with special needs” – to avoid bullying. It is obvious, Nemo is different, he has some special arrangements in class, gets one-on-one time and so forth.. Still, they believe saying ‘this child has autism’ will lead to more bullying. I have come to think that I totally disagree.

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I believe children, especially young ones, have a natural need to be ‘like the others’ and belong. But they also have a much greater flexibility to accept differences, when they get help to understand them.

My son doesn’t look different. But his social behaviour is a wild mix of toddleresque outbreaks of love or anger (this can change fast!), and an odd übercool teenage attitude that is a lack of understanding of polite, friendly gestures or clumsy copying of others in the wrong social context. He has autism.

I am not spruiking his autism to my son as a special gift but he knows it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. It’s not “a label”. It’s our reality.

By teaching only generally about “everyone’s different weaknesses and strengths”  – “yay, we are all different!” – the school is maybe respecting the wish of other parents, but certainly not mine. My son’s “difference” obviously does not appeal greatly to the kids (he has no real friends) but also, they do not understand him at all. They are not educated about autism. If they were, of course, some kids – the present and future bullies –  will still tease him. But the OTHER children, those that say nothing, those that I still think could be his friends, would they not be able to support, even defend him better ?

I do not care about the bullies. They will come and go. I am certainly not naive, this is just the start. But I do care about education. Acceptance ALWAYS comes via education. We instinctively fear what we do not know or understand. Ableism is just a form of Xenophobia if you will.  We fear what is strange.

I am still pondering how to tackle this, but something needs to happen. I want to work WITH the school, not go full frontal. But I think that long-term, the outcome of an initiative with information about autism is in the interest of all the children. It’s the same with the continuous calls for “autism awareness” vs actual integration and acceptance. Most of us are quite aware of autism. For real acceptance though, society has to learn about it too.

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probably a milestone in autism (self) acceptance here

piratebrainZ

Ol’ pirate brain is taking over..

I picked up Nemo the other day from school after “a good day” (according to him and the teacher). After some wild play with others in the bushland close to where we park the cars, we chatted in the car. VERY good day indeed.

We were already home in the garage when he told me that there actually was one “incident”. He told me :

“There was this boy and he was asking me if he could play with the frisbee with us, but it’s not my frisbee so he has to ask K. He kept asking ME so I yelled at him and he said he will tell on me for that.

So I explained to him about my Asperger’s.

I said my brain cannot do just a little exited or angry, it always goes big and loud, I cannot control it! It’s a problem in my brain, it’s my Asperger’s. Then he did not tell on me. It was ok.”

This means A LOT. I told Nemo I was SO PROUD of him. Not only had he actually managed to control himself after getting upset. But he also (am quite aware mostly so not to get into trouble, but still) EXPLAINED, in his words to the child why it happened ! I asked him if he said sorry at all and he said no. Fair enough. Nothing really happened, right. But this still is so BIG!!
(Awesome’s comment to this was also that it would have been a bit wuzzy from the boy to go tell for a yelling, but never mind.. )

One major problem lately has been that Nemo, well aware of his difference, was rejecting the long awaited help in class from the special needs teachers. He also had a few episodes of (minor) physical aggression with kids and was altogether not very receptive to the term Asperger’s. This could also be because one of our friend’s kid (his age) is on the spectrum but is very different and Nemo can’t really handle him as a friend (or only for a limited time). He refused to share the descriptive – “I am NOT like Noel!”

What happened there in school, the explaining of his condition (he told me he did this 2 other times before!)  is a MASSIVE step towards  finding a healthy, accepting attitude to his own condition and I am very VERY thankful he has shown the maturity – at 7 yo – to get there.

This was a very good day and it ended with a very good evening too – he even fell asleep much better than before. One little incident, big consequences.